i figure i have a lot to say. when they said we were doing �free writing� today in body class�i knew i was in for something. after the ten or so minutes (sooo not enough- because i usually free write for pages and pages and pages) i was totally unsatisfied. i felt it in my hands and my head and my chest�i had to get out of there and get my hands to work. to create. to say something. finally. and i thought to myself, this is going to be a letter. to -----. because i don�t know who else i would want to write to at this point in time. but i�ve got to start. something is pulling at me. i haven�t had this opportunity for a while now, and its starting to feel better and better. this is just pouring out of me right now, so i better start.

-----.

i�m writing and i�m writing and writing. i tell you this because its not like regular saying things�it�s like word placement and correct phrasing and everything you want for art and getting this out and letting people know. not everything i say or state makes sense. to people other than me. but i wanted to write you because i feel like you understand beauty in the way that i feel like i do. i want to tell you about the time i discovered beauty. really discovered. it wasn�t one instance, it was an entire experience. in the summer after tenth grade i spent every day for five whole weeks immersed in things beyond amazing. sanibel, florida (a place. yes.) taught me that i am not alone. about the way we coexist with things. with animals. with plants. with the earth and the sky and the stars and other people appreciating the same things we appreciate that stop and look underneath red leaves and sit by soft running water for hours and hours not minding that your shoes are muddy and you should be home but instead you�re watching the most graceful white bird sit on the branch of a tree stretch its wings. it was being in the moment without computers or television or conventional conventions that everyone gets so wrapped up in today. it was about being together with ourselves and just appreciating. i think most of my wonderment comes from sheer appreciation of the intricacies that make up where and why and how far we go. not just we as in �we�. we as in people, as in beings, as in lives. this is where things really start taking off and its good that now i�m mixing in my disclaimers, if you will, with the sentences because i can just let myself go like that. at this point. in time. i thought of you when i wanted to write because you understand what this feels like. to have to write. something. something at all. to promote to eject to feel to think to spill
words
on
paper
and
not
know
what
they
mean
until
you
discover
them
six
months
weeks
days
years
later.

in reading so much of you�or maybe nothing. maybe not enough at all�i think i�ve noticed all this. i feel i share some small aspect of the way you think and that is intriguing to me. it�s such a new world for me and all of this is all overwhelming but i love to need to want to be able to create and to not look down on anything or anyone or any single word because i know its coming from me and i know i�m thinking all this and somehow its translated into some sort of special decipherable distinguishable medium that we can share because we share. in being connected. in coexisting. as a people a place a time. the right time? of course. well of course. this is getting odd because i just lift my head up and words and thoughts and sentences come out and i end up writing about writing about writing. in circles a little bit. but i feel like you understand.

which brings us back as always. to right here. to living in the moment. which i try i try so hard to do but when i even think about it harder than that, the concept baffles me. as each moment passes its never the moment again as you exist in some time some day it becomes the past and the future the present. this is all junk i talked about today in my small, nearly nonexistent, taste of a time to get my thoughts out and let everything go and NOT think about what to say and when to say it and where i�m going with this i�ll never know i just hope it sometimes in some light sounds poetic. that�s where i�m going. with this. a piece of my mind. giving you a piece of my mind.

i want to talk more about beauty and how i see it without realizing it or maybe it�s the other way around. or no. something different than that. i cant explain. lets find words. lets work around this. lets keep writing. more. more. more. keep writing to let the words out and we lost it. theres always a line running through my head. some beautiful line. its different all the time. you know those perfect perfect sentences? that just make sense in geographical and grammatical and punctuational essence. no effort. they just come out that way. the kind of sentences and statements you want to hang above your bed to remind you that phrases can be caught (with two hands) so perfectly and so magically that you need to see them every night to smile at yourself and your inner workings and remember how real the world is. to piece together the right pieces that fit and appear in the ways they are supposed to appear in your mind but not for anyone else or anyone else�s mind just seeing is knowing and believing in yourself to translate and conjugate and be yourself this isn�t coming out at all the way i wanted to but i guess what i was just talking about is that beauty is in how you create it. art is in what you see and what you write and what you make and break and imagine do think work brush do ask for yourself. in your head. offer a disclaimer. your product is your product and that is why it is beautiful. the way you see it. in the universal sense. of you.

i remembered this day in north carolina where i just walked alone. for a long long time. i threw out the shoes and rolled up my pants and just walked and walked along private beach and black grass and only (and only) a water tower on the horizon. no buildings. no streetlights. just grass. and sand. and wind. and water. and me. my camera and i walked for hours just�being. alone. no talking, as it tends to ruin these moments. the moments of true solidarity when its just you and your mind and your camera walking and thinking and looking and here we are back to coexisting and how amazing nature is and what it creates and dreams for us all out of our control. everything you could ever want. anything i ever wanted at that time was being alone on that quiet beach with my self. i was in ninth grade. i guess i was smarter than i thought because once i was ashamed of everything i used to be before the moment i had that thought. you know? every time i would think of myself i would be ashamed of a certain past. certain things i�ve only told one person in my life and other things that i yelled proudly and obnoxiously to hoards of innocent bystanders. we hated. we did a lot of hating. not really in a political sense but more in just a people sense. our hatred didn�t depend on anything. there were no factors. no dependent factors. no facts. it was merely a division of mindset. of thinking. of not being open to others besides ourselves. which is something i can see now. the ways in which we wronged would not be considered wrong to me now because i see on such a grander scale of everything. as un classy as it sounds my eyes are much much much more wide open now than ever. and that�s how it continues. every step. every moment. every future becomes present and present becomes past and i grow a little. i learn. i hear. i read. i see. i understand. now. in my present. i�m seeing things in ways i�ve never seen them before or thought i would see them, when actually i never really thought about them at all. this is supposed to be focused. i�m focusing. i�m not including every random thought that enters my head to be dropped meaninglessly (effortlessly) inside the construction of the function of this letter. my open letter. my open communication. my piece of my mind. for tonight. only for tonight. as we move past tonight things are done things are going things are gone. i didn�t mean for it work out like that but we all know about the natural order of things. which i�ve explained several times. i don�t mean for this to make sense really, it�s more of a sample than a letter. a segment than a construction. a snap than a focus. that�s good. i�m letting it out. getting it out. there wasn�t a lot of emotion behind this. just a desire. a want. a physical need. a pulling in my chest and my heart connected to my head and my fingers and my thoughts and my breath just bleeding pleading begging to come out to be shared to be told to be wreckless and thoughtful and dangerous and wild and tell noone tell everyone everything let it spill out on paper please please let me go get out of this classroom were disintegrating here falling falling using less losing the use of normal standards setting by the rest of what we like to call tradition and traditional writing of traditional letters but were escaping that now now is not the time to be critical it is the time to accept and to understand and take things on the surface and to let it slide slowly in your head don�t think about it too much if its not your own let it affect you on the surface. the surface is so important. we offer disclaimers because no one will every fully understand another someone. and their beauty. what makes them them. what makes their world beautiful. its not important for me to understand. them. i understand me. i try for me. for myself. i�m learning. slowly. with every passing moment every future every present passing past it�s a cycle�like everything. everything. back to where we started back to where we came from and where we�re going with this don�t ask please don�t ask. just read. alone. be alone. think alone. for a little while. appreciate. come back to the beginning. back around. it�s intricate. every thing every word every letter. rememeber it. remember that. take that, take this as something. something from me. to you. personally. i�ve never given something like this. it�s a glimpse. quickly. so take it. or don�t. there is no disclaimer here. i was going to stop but i feel like concluding properly because this is unwound unwinding and i need that perfection. which is what i do. its what i do to wind down and as its all gotten out and not rid of just aside perceived interpereted visualized for someone else�s good use or good time in this case its yours its mine first it was mine im not telling you how to use it or where to bring it or how to think about it. just take it as its written. words on paper. organized and thought and written and distinguished and colorful running dripping dripping dreaming fading slowly slowly more and more away away goodnight.

batman (1 so far)