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[best music of the year goes to ani]
31 December 2003 - 4:13 am

hi.

i tried to go back and read over the year, but i couldn't do it all tonight. basically, i planned poorly and started to late, and that is the only reason i didn't follow through.

i can't think of a word, or even a set of words that would describe this year. actually, that might be false. if i had to choose a word, it would definitely be 'kitty', but that's not very appropriate for this time or place.

at this very second, i am tired, and still on western standard time. i should've aimed to write something at a time with more 'creative energy flowing', or even better lighting [seeing as right now i have a broken lamp covered by a football jersey]. [the football jersey also says 'metalcore james style' on the back. which happens to be funny in about 6 different ways].

in all seriousness, i have to say...i love. i love my life. at this point, i am working hard to better my self, my perceptions, and my experience here, and just live. really live.

i am eighteen years old.
i thrive on beauty (that being beauty of objects, events, words, and not exclusively the beauty of a person)
i like kissing
boys.
and girls.
i love watching people experience their own experiences
i tell the truth
i am bad at definition.
i am a girl. i have brown eyes and brown hair that curls sometimes, but mostly i just wish i could wear cool hats. i like petting my dogs but not taking them for walks, and singing in the shower. i feel guilty when i drive places i know i can walk. my hands always need moisturizing. somtimes i hear songs or watch movies that take my breath away. i love being touched. when i wear shirts with collars, i always wear the collar up. patterns mean nothing to me. i claim to be superstitious, but none of that really means anything to me. i have trouble throwing anything away, and i just recently deleted 10 messages from my answering machine that i had saved from 9th - 12th grade. i still cannot say the words 'i love you' out loud to anyone, and this pains me. pink is a horrible color on me, and it may be the only one. i hate my legs. there is part of me that wants to know everything about the political standings and involvements of this nation and wants to get very active, but i just haven't been able to push myself to do it. i like to think that i have good self control. when i walk facing the wind, my eyes water. i do not eat animals or divisional products. there are some people i simply cannot hold a conversation with, and there are others i clicked with the first time we met. i do care what other people think of me, but i don't act in order to change that opinion. i haven't had a good cry in a long long time. in decision making, or deciding on sentiment towards a person, my feelings change too often for comfort. but i do not regret. i take chances. i am brave. i only write poetry at random times, and i can't force it. writing, when it comes, is very easy for me...words just present themselves to me, and that's my process. there is nothing for me to be unhappy about.

i am so proud to go to oberlin college. i am proud of the way i have changed within that community. i am proud of the way i am home, feeling the way oberlin makes me feel. but that is only a small portion of the past year. i have to say, looking back on everything, i really don't like high school. i did enjoy it while i was there, but there's something about it i am glad i've moved away from. this is maret i speak of.

as for all the crazy wonderful beautiful intelligent sophisticated amazing people i know...i can't say enough. i've said it before, but i wouldn't be anywhere without them. i am the company i keep, as it shows (to me at least) in the different situations i encounter, and man, these 12 months (and everything before) have been exhillarating. to all the laughter, all the movies, the tears, the late nights, the shows, the dancing, the writing, the hugging, the diners, the long talks, the kisses, the new shirts, the shared beds, the burned cds, the teammates, the dress up, the sharpie markers, the mixtapes. to the concern, the care, the decency, the acceptance, and the love. wow.

not that it's over. just chronologically.

goodnight all.

batman (0 so far)


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